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Niagara Metal Fest 2011

Ben Krawec
May 18, 2011

Things you never think you'll have to say to your younger brother:

"Ok, so you're going to get dragged up onto the stage by a leash. Then you're going to get gang r*ped by the band, or you'll dry hump them or something... I dunno, improvise! Then you're going to run up to the mic and scream, 'I'm the Safe Sex Gorilla and this is Live Animal Sex!' and then jump down and mosh."

For some reason that didn't bother him in the slightest, that's why I love my younger brother and why I love going to metal shows around here. Its great to go to a place where its perfectly acceptable behavior to dry hump a guy in a gorilla suit, and giving your friends a violent shove is a sign of affection.

I wasn't fortunate enough to be able to attend both days of Niagara Metal Fest, but I suppose that's probably for the better. My face was rocked off pretty solidly with just one evening, I don't know if my cardiovascular system would have been up to being abused by our talented local artists for twelve hours straight two days in a row. The venue was great with a spacious mosh pit but seating was too dispersed and appeared set up for lounge music as opposed to a metal show. Other than that I found the Victoria Inn to be a great place to see a show, very open concept with lots of room to mosh. There were too many talented artists playing for me to be able to do a full write up on each band, and I'm pretty sure even this much is too much for the average reader's attention span (yes, I mean you. The one who was raised by television not to keep focused on anything longer than 30 seconds). A couple great bands did stand out in my mind though:

Manahan, from Keswick Ontario, played a brilliant, old school kind of metal that did a great job of doing new things with the old sounds from the 80's. They're also shooting a music video for their song, "Narcotic" soon, which I'm looking forward to seeing. I would strongly recommend them for anyone who loves old school 80s metal but hates enormous venues and the fact that the guys from the original Big Four have a tendency to throw their backs out these days. You can listen to them here:

Door To Door Human Gore was pretty awesome but it was unfortunate that they played last, by the end of the night I noticed everybody was rather out of it. Having just been through a marathon of wicked bands it seemed like the mosh pit just wasn't up for it and the type of metal these guys play would be perfect to mosh somebody else's face off to.

Cuntscumb and Live Animal Sex made sure to put on a spectacle, as always. Live Animal Sex had the Safe Sex Gorilla (my younger brother in a monkey suit) dragged up on stage by a leash, then proceeded to sexually assault him. Cuntscumb staged a rather ornate (and disturbingly erotic) murder to finish off a steamy, sensual and deliciously sadistic song. Bonez' stage persona turns me on, but not in ways I feel good about. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares with a raging erection and a pillow soaked in tears, crying out for a God that appears to have abandoned me to a masked fiend in torn fish nets.

This appears to be the last of the articles I'll be doing for GamePlanPros for at least a little while, Dan has to take a hiatus while he pursues things that actually make him money. It was cool
writing for this thing and I had a lot of fun, if anyone needs things written down let me know but it seems I'll be scaling down my already rather limited involvement in the Niagara Music Scene. At least until the editor/owner/boss man gets rich and powerful. Which will happen, just watch, and then you'll all pay for your transgressions. Lord have mercy, will you ever pay.

This article was brought to you by Benjamin Krawec and a rather unhealthy amount of caffeine.