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Audio Toyes #10 - Finding Yourself

Brian Toye
February 21, 2011

In the end, no one knows anything, really.

If your like me you at one point in your life questioned the religious belief system that you were raised on. You are most likely a productive individual and a contributor to society. Unlike myself, you most likely brushed it (religious thoughts) off after a few quick minutes and got on with life. I however, did not. I tend to get stuck in thought and my answers lead to more questions and so forth until i am so deep into something that i could host a lecture on the topic. It is my nature and it was true for learning and playing classical guitar as a child (six years its all i did), learning and studying the game of poker, learning and studying the art of record engineering and learning as much as i could about genetics and life as we know it (BSc Biotechnology). During the time I was buried in these individual topics, not much else existed in my world. Not society, money, thoughts of a career, no cares in the world besides increasing my knowledge. About a year and a half ago I found myself broke and back at home with my parents. No shock there with my personality type. I was soul searching. I realized I needed to choose a career path, save some money and get a mortgage. Find a girl and settle down. I hid these thoughts as far away as I could. It did not seem like my path. It was for sure the common path, but it did not sit well with me. I would stay awake at night thinking about all the education I have and yet have seemed to have failed to play a role in society. I would always prefer to work on solo projects such as songwriting, drawing, recording, reading physics textbooks or writing my ideas of the beginning of life on earth. After being unemployed for a few months and having no schedule i fell into a depression and stayed in bed for most of two months. Going out only when alcohol was involved. I began to wonder about the meaning of life, a lot. Is there a God? was Jesus the son of God sent to Earth to help guide our way of living? Do I only think about this because i was raised Roman Catholic? are other religions wrong? is my religion wrong? is religion a man made idea to compensate for our small understanding of our universe?

I decided I would investigate.

My parents hardheartedly believe in the bibles depiction of creation. Literally. I went into my local church and spoke with a priest about this. We both agreed that this was fiction. The priest stated to me, the bible is like a library, you need to know what section your reading from (fiction, fact etc.). Good I thought, Maybe i could get somewhere with this Roman Catholic thing after all. After a lengthy conversation I left the church having agreed the most important teaching of the Roman Catholic faith was to Love your neighbour. If you love your brothers and sisters then you will live a life as Jesus lead. Selfless actions lead to a happy life. I found I agreed with this and after reading about many other religions found that their core values are almost identical. The differences lie only in man made tradition and ancient scriptures, or... child’s stories that most of us could agree were fiction anyway.

Now I look back at the 4 years of university and the three years after. Meaningless late nights out and money wasted in bars and clubs. Not to mention the harm all that alcohol did to my body. And after all the soul searching I actually did find myself and an answer. It is not our destiny to understand the universe or to win the argument of evolution vs creationism. It is our destiny to give love, receive love, work hard, stay humble and surround ourselves with like minded people. This has been my personal moto for the last year. I have also given up drinking alcohol. I have given up going out to bars/clubs. I have started this record label and in doing so will volunteer my time to record children choirs, youth orchestras, church bands and anything else non profit for the good of music. In hopes that these institutions could sell copies and fund their work. This is the giving of love, and being open to receive it back. All this and I have also created a job for myself and am now self sustaining doing something that I love.

Maybe there are some of you out there doing some soul searching yourselves. I hope that sharing my story will help you finally find your own answers.

-Brian Toye-